


Tenihospital

by Holycowbrowniekitty



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Butts, Crack, Everyone is seriously dumbed down in this js, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2018-11-02 14:15:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10946229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holycowbrowniekitty/pseuds/Holycowbrowniekitty
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a legend, called the Tenihospital. Tenihospital was a wonderful medical facility, that undoubtedly had many creative and clever minds, founded by none other than the legendary surgeon Atobe, who was also the one who provided funds for the idea that any grad student should have been able to get a job as soon as possible. It started quite small, but the number of dropouts increased, as did the amount of doctors at the hospital. It is located in the rural city, but looks can be deceiving, as it has a pool and a garden, where many of the patients go to rest or follow rehabilitation under the respectful professionals. It is here that our wonderful story will take place.





	1. Daily occurences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on a real life story. Thanks to the people who co-created this AU (you know who you are).

 

“AKAYA!”

Yanagi stormed inside Dr. Kirihara’s office. He was visibly panting and looked dishevelled.  Kirihara removed the sanitary towel from his eyes and quickly sprang up in order to listen to his superior. “What is it?”

“The patient is showing rejection symptoms! Did the blood transfusion go well!?”, Yanagi panted. Normally he would stabilize the blood himself, but this time the situation was dire. He had left the operation to the capable hands of Sanada, the head surgeon, but he feared that time was running out, and that Kirihara would be the only one who could shed some light upon this nary happening.

“Yeah, of course it went well... Duh...”, Akaya said drowsily. He wasn’t one to follow safety regulations, but there was a 100% satisfaction rate for his record.

“Did you give him fresh blood or the sedimented blood from the lab?”, Yanagi asked him. Kirihara shrugged: “I don’t know, I just took whatever was left in the fridge.”

“What do you mean?”

“Yeah, like, there were so many sacks, and like, they had weird western letters on them, so I figured I’d just use a sack of each.”

Yanagi felt the blood leave his brain for a moment.

“One of them was bound to work.”, Kirihara said, as he jumped back into his swivel chair.

Yanagi inhaled deeply, and then continued: “Okay, get Yagyuu. We will need a lawyer for this.”

“Huh?”

“Just do-“

A loud voice boomed over the intercom.

“DOCTOR YANAGI, DOCTOR KONJIKI, YOUR ASSISTANCE IS IMMEDIATELY REQUIRED IN THE EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT!”

Ootori snivelled. “PLEASE HURRY!”

“Akaya, substitute for me, and go assist Sanada.”

“Wh-“

The door slammed shut. Yanagi was already making haste to the emergency compartment. In this case, he couldn’t doubt or leave it to Kirihara, as their ambulances all had their wheels stolen, and any incoming emergency calls were entrusted to Kamio’s minivan. To say that the patient might be on the verge of dying was an understatement.

When he arrived, he was relieved that the patient seemed alive, and that Kamio’s minivan was still in one piece. Dr. Konjiki looked extremely pleased with himself, which led to Yanagi coming closer for inspection.

“What’s the status, Dr. Ko-“

One glance at the scene silenced him. _I wish I stayed in the pharmaceutical business._

“Yanagi, as you can see...”, Koharu muttered.

“Yeah, I can see it.”, Yanagi said.

Kamio intervened. “Wow, THAT’S A HUGE PINEAPPLE!”

“Yeah it is.”, Yanagi affirmed.

“You, know,  it’s kinda cute...the way it looks like a tail...”

“Please don’t continue Dr. Konjiki.”

Yanagi had many “accidents” like these, but Konjiki was usually the only one that readily accepted those cases, much to the dismay of his nurse, Hitouji. Yagyuu had already received many complaints about sexual harassment, but somehow, he always pulled through the trials.

“Konjiki, do you think surgery is needed for this?”, Yanagi asked.

“Now, from the looks of it, I think a handful lube might do the job. Those muscles and skin can stretch a lot hun~”, Konjiki jeered.

“I’ll leave it to you then.”, Yanagi said as he moved away. He threw a pitiful look at the  man who was clearly uncomfortable, caused either by the doctor groping around his ass to assess the damage, or by the giant fruit sticking out of his you know what.

“Huh, are you leaving already?”, Kamio asked the doctor.

“Yes, I have left a patient to a subordinate I don’t completely trust, and I would love to check if we will have another lawsuit.” Yanagi paused for a moment. “Kamio?”

“Hm?”

“Next time, don’t ride the rhythm too much.”

“Huh, why?”

“One of your side mirrors is missing.”

Leaving  Kamio perplexed by his amazement at the existence of car mirrors, Yanagi hurried back to the ward, this time taking a shortcut through the gardens. Some elderly were walking at a snail’s pace, looking grim and uncut. Dr. Kite was absent for the day, so this might have been the happiest they would be during their incarceration.

Upon arriving at the room, he put on the sanity gear and walked inside. He was greeted by Kirihara: “Huh, you’re already back? Not so much of an emergency, was it?”

Yanagi looked around and observed the patient. He looked stable, and there was no sign of overt blood spilling.

“I take it the transplant went well, Genichirou?”

“All is stable. We will have Kenya take care of him and report on any negative signs.”

“WOOHOOO HE ISN’T DEAD! Should I call Yagyuu and tell him that he wouldn’t need to prepare a defense?”

Yanagi almost agreed, until he remembered how fondly Dr. Konjiki was looking over his patient, and decided to tell Kirihara that Yagyuu should continue preparing himself.

“Well done everyone. I’m sure that Atobe will appreciate our achievements. Let’s call it a day.”

“Hm.”

Sanada was already packing his stuff, he lived quite far from his workplace, so he was quite relieved that he could return after the strenuous surgery.  
As Kirihara opened the door to leave the room and go nap in his office, Sanada called out to him.

“Akaya, have you seen my family rock?”

Once again, Yanagi’s heart dropped to the bottom.


	2. KOSHIMWAE

“KOSHIMAE, YOU CAME TO VISIT ME!????”

A red blur flashed throughout the hallways, down the main stairs, dropkicked a nurse, and ran towards a heavily equipped man at the front desk. He looked slightly bored, until he saw the blob of murder rage towards him. Using his sidestep, he evaded the attack and let the beast run headfirst into the notice board.

“Oh, Tooyama. You wouldn’t happen to know what the receptionist is doing?”, Echizen said as he motioned towards Zaizen, who had put up his foot on the vacant chair, plugged headphones in the desk computer and was currently watching the latest fads.

“ZAIZEN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!”, Kintarou yelled in his ears. The notice board had broken down, and was covered in blood, but Zaizen didn’t seem to be slightly bothered by it.

“OH I SEE IT, LOOK KOSHIMAE, THIS BOARD SAYS “OUT FOR LUNGS”! HE NEEDS LUNGS!!”

Somehow, the board was still somewhat readable to the feral kid, but the last letters were wiped out.

“Don’t yell so much.", Echizen growled. "Look, he isn’t even out, he’s just sitting there on his phone.”

“ZAIZEN HAS A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY! SOMETIMES HE LIKE, UHM, YOU KNOW, HE DOES DESK THINGS!”, Kintarou defended. Desk jobs were hard for him. It required a lot of thinking.

“I’m sure he does that. He still has a lot more to learn.”, Echizen muttered under his breath.  
Zaizen noticed his degrading comment, and decided to do Echizen the great honor of giving him 5 seconds of his attention.

“Like, I’m leaving positive reviews on this hospital. Someone has to.”

“YOU SEE HE’S DOING GOOD STUFF!!”, Kintarou cheered.

Zaizen continued: “Besides, it’s not my fault that the other receptionist has been gone for like, ages, to get more desk stuff.” He swivelled back and continued ignoring the idiot duo.

“SO YOU CAME TO VISIT ME RIGHT, KOSHIMAE!! HUMANS ARE THE MOST FUN ANIMALS DON'T YOU AGREE! WHY DON’T YOU COME WORK HERE INSTEAD OF THAT DIRTY HUT YOU GUYS CALL A VETERINARY!!”

“I don’t want to. I just came here to get rid of some undocumented animals, Dr. Yukimura asked me to.”

Echizen sighed. The task that was trust upon him wasn’t because there was a lack of exterminators in the vicinity, but because last time Momoshiro ruptured his stomach, by accepting a dare that involved eating 100 hamburgers, he didn’t have the funds to pay the bill. The logical conclusion in his hamburger infested mind was of course to bill the veterinary. Which didn’t have the funds either.

“YOU CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IF YOU WORK FOR ATOBE! HE GIVES US SO MANY STUFF IT’S LIKE PERMANENT CHRISTMAS!!”

“No thanks, I like to work with animals, not under command of animals.”, Echizen replied. “Hey, receptionist guy, do you know where the nest is?”, Echizen asked Zaizen.

“Room 823.”

“Thanks.”

“WOW ZAIZEN I DIDN’T KNOW WE HAD A ROOM 823 WHERE IS IT?”

 “I don’t know, ask Koshimae.”

“KOSHIMAE DO YOU KNOW WHERE ROOM 823 IS?”

“Someone, please help me...”

Upon this, Kintarou took Echizen’s wrist (rather forcefully) and pulled him around the hospital, in their wonderful search for room 823. Their joyous adventure was only starting.

* * *

 

“AND HERE KOSHIMAE, WE HAVE THE STEEL CAGES WITH ALL THE SMALL HUMANS!!”

Kintarou had dragged Echizen towards the hospital nursery. An old friend of his was the superintendent there, regulating and taking care of the small humans.

“Oh, Echizen. What are you doing here?”, the nurse asked. His haircut was still as horrible as ever, but the cockroach antennas made place for a cascade dangling in front of his face.

“Nothing specific. Yukimura said there were some infestations of unknown animals, do you have any idea where they are located?”, Echizen calmly asked as Kintarou was almost ripping his hem off in excitement.

“Oh, I did hear the janitors complaining about them, but none of them seemed to have found the source. From the sounds, I can guess the nest is in the cellar, but...”

Oishi looked uncomfortable.  His twitches revealed to Echizen that he really didn’t want to elaborate, and continued to wipe the poop of the babies’ faces.

“OOH DID THAT GLASSES GUY LEAVE SOME RESIDUE WHEN HE PUT HIS ASS ON THE BED WARMERS!”, Kintarou joyfully asked.

“Wha-what?”, Oishi stumbled. “What do you mea-“

“This child means absolutely nothing, ahaha, Kin-chan, what are you talking about.”

From the corridor, Shiraishi butted into the conversation with a careless smile on his face. “Why would there be any ass on this baby’s face, these aren’t the piles, come on Kin-chan, let’s all wipe the excretement of this cute baby’s face, that definitely doesn’t belong to some weird outsider or anything.”

Shiraishi pushed his bandages affectionately against the baby’s face and started rubbing it forcefully. Oishi looked on worriedly, almost as if he wanted to object to something, but he couldn’t quite find the words and gave up.

“By the way, if you guys were searching for the pests, they’re in the second cellar. I placed some traps there that might prove deadly, so watch out where you walk okay?”

“Sure.”, Echizen replied.

As he left the nursery room, he could hear scurrying under his feet.

“Ah, Koshimae, the cellar entrance is right here.”, Kintarou helpfully pointed out. The door was shut tightly, with a large “DANGER” sign on it, adorned with black and yellow police tape. Underneath, black ooze was seeping through the crack, though rather slowly and uneventful.

“Doesn’t this seem rather dangerous to you?”, Echizen asked.

“Nah, this is TOTALLY SAFE COME ON IN!”, Kintarou replied. He had already ripped of the tape and broken the lock with his superhuman strength. “IT JUST REEKS A BIT AWGH”

“If you say so...”

Echizen put on his gloves and a mouth mask, while Kintarou grabbed the nearby decorative fish bowl and put it on his head, dumping its contents in the black liquid.

“AMWH WEADY TO GOO!”, he shouted through the bowl. Echizen simply shrugged and activated his flashlight, preparing for the worst. Inside, there was a suffocating darkness enveloping the stairway. He saw that boxes with cans and tins of what he hoped was paint got pushed over and made the floor slippery.

“Watch out, it’s slippery here.”, he warned his red surgeon friend, but alas, this warning came a tad too late. It was only after he heard the final thud on the basement’s floor, that he attempted to call out to him: “Are you still alive?”

Receiving no answer, Echizen was motivated to slowly tread down the wet stairs, making sure that the paint didn’t dirty his new shirt. It was a very snoozy shirt and he liked it. When he almost reached the last step, a loud voice screeched in his ears.

“WEAK WWWIST MAN, WHAT AWE YOU DOING HEWE!??”

“Omg, I can’t even find peace here, where else am I supposed to go. Ugh, this really pisses me off, I thought I would finally be able to waste away here in peace, without anyone except for that gross person to disturb me in my eternal sleep, but no, this ugly mongrel had to fall down the ditch and not only cause a ruckus but also crush my other leg. Remove yourself from my life once and for all or instead I’ll do it.”

“WOOWOWOWOW YOUW WEGS LOOK LIKE MACAWONI!! LOOK HOW CWWAZILY THEY BEND NYOOM ZOOM!”

“Stop playing with my legs, ugh, you’re such an eyesore and so loud as well I hate people like you, no actually I hate you and your family and your stupid pets if you had any your family are probably animals you piece of dogball.”

Echizen looked at Ibu’s miserable state and decided to keep his distance.

“Hey, you, why are you totally ignoring me, is it because I’m a pain, yeah I probably am, but if you are thinking that that just pisses me off more, the least you could do is remove this beast of me and my precious legs gods, just take him and go home.”

“Zaizen’s looking for you.”, Echizen said.

“That emo hipster has probably palmed MY chair  again, why did I get stationed with him, was it because our auras were alike, because I don’t think they’re alike at all, he’s so pretentious with his “good reviews” and his “blogspot of hospital adventures”, tell me, did he sell my hairdryer, cause I can totally see he would do that, ugh I’m so depressive right now, someone please end me.”

“You mentioned a gross person? Did someone else find you as well and leave you here in this ditch?”

Echizen didn’t have a hard time imagining that, but for manner’s sake he made kind of a big deal about it.

“He’s so annoying, always going on about how his lucky day will come, did you know that according to Chinese geomancy I’m going to have a happy life and much fortune will come my way if I actually put in effort, like totally unbelievable and bullshit don’t you think, he’s always so creepy with weird fetish magazines stashed away like he’s hiding them, god not even Dior could mask that hormonous teenage lust, someone please save me from him as well.”

“I’ll have a janitor retrieve you later. Tooyama, let’s go investigate this man.”

“BUT WOOK THE WEG GOES NYOOOOOM LIKE IN THE CAWWTOONS”

“Ugh...”

Eventually, Kintarou gave up his material desires and dropped the leg, this time following Echizen once again.

* * *

 

“I think this is... the person Ibu was talking about?” Echizen halted and pointed his flashlight towards an awfully suspicious man, holding a dentist’s drill, making holes in the flooring. He was balancing on an unsteady stepladder, which was stabilized with weird fetish magazines underneath one of the legs. He didn’t seem to notice them, or was ignoring the duo, as he continued drilling with a lusty expression on his face.

“OH HI SENGWOKU, AWE YOU MAKING BWEATHING HOLES FOWWW THE MICE?!!!”, Kintarou yelled.

“Kin-chan, don’t disturb me, I’m making important progress here.”

Echizen frowned. What Ibu said was right, he could smell the man’s pheromones from a mile away.

“You didn’t happen to see any pests crawling around did you?”

Echizen knew this line of questioning was useless, as the man didn’t seem to have any interest in things on the ground, but every piece of information could help.

“Nope, no animals, but I saw a few sprouts from pile#9 run past sometimes. Cute fellas.”

“Tooyama, I think this case is solved. Let’s return, I’m getting sick of this place.”

“OWGAAY!! SEE YA SENGWOKU!!”

Ascending the stairs, Echizen was never as happy to see some resemblance of daylight. He told the janitor on duty, a man with an exceptionally long and impressive broom handle about the case of the missing receptionist. He told him to be cautious and pointed him the way downstairs, gesturing the place where he could find him. He watched the man descend effortlessly, with his big broom no less.

Satisfied with his work, he tried to return as fast as he possibly could to the exit of the hell-hole, but with emphasized on tried, as a glassy, tearstained face resisted him.

“KOSHIMWAE, AWE YOU WEAVING ALWEADY!??”

“My job is done Tooyama. Here’s the bill, take it to your boss.”

He procured a rather small and ugly note, stuck it on the fishing bowl, and slowly retreated.

“KOSHIMWAE, I’M NOT WETTING YOU WEA-“

“EIJI!”

Kintarou’s outburst was quickly cut down by a distraught Oishi.

“OH NO, WHO KILLED MY POOR BABY?”, he sobbed, as he knelt down towards the already dead goldfish that got soaked in the black paint.

“Kin-chan, did you murder his only friend? It was such a fine specimen as well...”, Shiraishi followed. His bandages were  an odd brown, but it wasn’t unusual as he frequently claimed that it moisturized his skin.

Echizen made haste towards the exit, now that everyone found themselves occupied. He finally realized humans were indeed the worst animals of all.

Bonus:

The tall man inspected the state of the pitiful receptionist. Before he could start his endless muttering, he said only one sentence: “It seems they were pulling your leg...pff.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The nurse is Mukahi.


	3. The piles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sprouts were harmed.

Today was another peaceful day at Tenihospital. Ootori had been working the intercom and security cameras for the past seven years, handling the internal and external communication, as well as making important announcements and delivering messages to the staff from eachother. Every office had a telephone, grace to Atobe, and in the past years he had become very adept at memorizing and utilizing them to their full potential. Ditto for the camera's, each and every office, hallway, staircase and whatnot was fitted with a security camera and an inbuilt microphone. Privacy wasn’t Tenihospital’s greatest concern.

Having seen countless unexplainable, disturbing and somewhat arousing events, Ootori tried his best everyday to not let the trauma's get the best of him. Shishido, the college student who lived in the attic of the hospital due to meagre funds, was his greatest support and they were connected with a special transfer device, called walkie talkies, so he could always count on him if the mayhem got too ridiculous.

*beep beep*

A call was incoming from Kite’s office. Ootori dutifully answered the phone without any delay, as could not have been said for the service of the receptionists. The phone at Zaizen's job beeped from time to time, but the absence of a response quickly made the caller give up.

“Yes, Dr. Kite, can I help you?”

“Ootori, can you find me Dr. Chitose? He has spilled too much of pile#4 in the hallways, and my patients have to do their morning rehabilitation run.”

“But Dr. Kite, half your patients are either paralyzed, amputees, or recovering from grievous accidents.”

“Ootori, don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“Okay.”

Ootori muted himself and almost took his walkie talkie, but another call requested his attention. This time it was from a reception worker, Koishikawa. He was an old timer at the hospital, and reasonably good at his job, but his recent subordinates left him with little to no support.

“Koishikawa, how can I help you?”

“OOTORI PLEASE FIND JIROU THERE ARE TOO MANY CALLS I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH APPENDAGES, ZAIZEN IS STILL BUSY WITH THE REVIEWS AND IBU IS RECOVERING FROM HIS BROKEN LEGS, GET JIROU HERE!”

“I shall try to find Jirou, do your best Koishikawa.”

“NO OOTORI YOU DON’T UNDERSTA-“

Ootori muted him with a soft smile. Today would be quite a hectic day indeed. He decided to call the children ward, Dr. Chitose should have been attending it. If he was lucky. His attendance rate was an astounding 51% though, so they couldn't complain.

No answer. He checked the camera’s and saw that the ward was still overrun by children. Some of them were patients, others got dropped there temporarily by their parents who had business in the hospital, and never got retreived because of unlucky accidents. They heaped up on each other sometimes. The hospital affectionately called them “piles”, ranging from the first pile #1 to the last pile # 10.  Being a paediatric seemed like quite a chore, but deep down, Ootori had a sweet spot for them.

He was happy that Dr. Chitose was their paediatric. When Dr. Chitose first walked into the room, the children started heaping up on them, until all that was left was a giant human mass, that made it’s way through the hospital. If Chitose succumbed, it would be the pile’s victory, and he would be buried beneath a mass of children.

This time, Ootori decided to use the intercom.

“Can Dr. Chitose please make his way towards the physiologist quarters?”

That should have sufficed. Ootori mentally complimented his low self esteem.

Next was his other request. Knowing that Jirou wouldn’t hear any of the announcements he made, Ootori started scouring the security camera’s for any sign of the guy, trying his very best to ignore any mayhem that was happening at the moment. It proved to be very difficult, as neither the cafeteria nor the patient beds were occupied by the man. On the other side, Dr. Chitose still hadn’t reported to Kite, so he went and asked Shishido for assistance.

“Shishido, please move to the children ward and retrieve Dr. Chitose, Dr. Kite needs his help.”

Shishido stopped his situps and quickly responded.

“Okay Choutarou. Have any leads?”

“I think that Chitose might be buried under pile#5, but I’m not entirely sure of that.”

“Roger that, I’m on the way.”

He put on his neat shoes and a new shirt while throwing away his old sweaty one on the pile of dirty clothes in the corner. One day he should sneak that pile into the laundry of the patients.

Ootori chuckled. It was nice to have someone as dependable as Shishido to listen to you, your problems, boost you a bit with your so self-called low self-esteem. Scouring a bit more for the sleeping receptionist, he found no sign of him. Koishikawa could surely handle it on his own for now.

He watched as Shishido was rediscovering the layout of the hospital. He had a weird sense of direction, but he always reached his goal.

He switched to the hallways in Kite's quarter. Everything seemed okay, except for the children lazing and rolling around on the floor. Suddenly an idea came to his mind. They must have caught Jirus, which meant that Jirou would be nearby!

He deptly switched around, until he could see a clear trail of children sleeping, towards the children ward.

“Shishido, I think that Jirou is in the children’s ward as well. Please be careful so you don’t catch the Jirus, it’s highly contagious.”

“Roger that. Do you have any idea where he is, so I can ask Hiyoshi to remove him?”

“It looks like the source is pile # 2, tell him to be cautious when interacting with that specific pile.”

“Thanks Choutarou, please watch over me.”

Yeah, it was a very satisfying feeling. He almost leaned back, until he got another call from one of the nurses.

“Hello this is Ootori, how can I help you?”

“Like okay, as you know I have this very heavy patient here right? And they have to go like, to the toilet, but it’s one of those very big visits, so I can’t just use the disposables, right you following me? Okay so this guy is expecting me to help him out of his bed chair thing, and I know I’m very strong and all, but c’mon do I look like I CAN LIFT A FUCKING ELEPHANT? SEND KABAJI OVER HERE NOW BEFORE I’LL BEAT THIS GUY UP!”

“Sure Mukahi, I’ll check if he’s available.”

He muted himself again and checked the contact list carefully, before dialling Atobe’s office.

“Kabaji, are you there?”

“Usu.”

“Mukahi needs some help with removing the patient from his room, think you can help him?”

“Usu.”

“Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I shall contact Yagyuu to prepare himself for a trial. I will see you later.

Ootori sighed. Who could knew Kabaji was that busy. He should tell Mukahi the bad news.

Suddenly an emergency call came in. Those calls were special, because they made a giant red light turn on in the security room, which gave it a more mysterious atmosphere.

“This is Ootori, how can I assist you?”, he said.

“IT’S CHITOSE, HELP ME THE CHILDREN FROM pile#5 HAVE ESCAPED!”

“Ah Dr. Chitose, Dr. Kite was searching for you. What happened to pile#5?”

“MARUI WAS WALKING PAST WITH PINEAPPLE PIZZA! THE CHILDREN MUST HAVE GOTTEN THEIR FERAL INSTINCTS AWAKENED AND MADE A DASH AT THE CAFETARIA!”

“Thank you, I shall refer your request to Shishido as soon as possible.”

It couldn’t be helped.

“Shishido, hey, can you make your way to hallway 3-2, the one that leads to the cafeteria? The children from pile#5 have escaped, so it would be nice if you could restrain them.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, but please be gentle, Shishido.”

“Sure, here I go.”

Ootori watched on as Shishido started making a mad dash to the hallway. He ran over a nurse as well, who looked like he was going to kill someone. That reminded him. He still had to tell Mukahi the news. He waited patiently until the nurse scrambled himself of the ground and entered the patients room with a plastic bucket.

“Hello, Mukahi, I see you have found a solution. Kabaji isn’t available at the moment, but I’m happy to see you haven’t strangled the patient yet.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN KABAJI ISN’T AVAILABLE, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF?? I SHOULD HAVE JUST STAYED A RECEPTIONIST!”

“Mukahi, you shouldn’t curse in front of you patient.”

“I DO WHATEVER I WANT!”

*beep beep*

Mukahi looked quite angrily and flipped the camera off. Ootori only sighed. The redhead was very fiery today. He switched his attention back to the reception hall, and saw Koishikawa on the verge of a breakdown with three telephones in each hand. Ootori mentally reminded himself to order more telephones later, and wished him a silent good luck. His attention had wandered off, and he found himself inspecting the hallways with the children from pile#5. They were all scratching and growling at the cafeteria doors, which Jackal had barricaded from the inside with the scarce tables they had. Some of them were even frothing. It had been a long time since that happened.  
Shishido was rounding the corners. 

“Shishido, they’re all at the cafeteria doors. Be careful.”

His warning fell on deaf ears. Shishido didn’t even try to brake, he only accelerated. With the speed of Kamio’s minivan, he leapt at the children and...

“SHISHIDO, NO!”

...bowled the children aside with the force of a thousand sprouts.

“SHISHIDO, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!”, Ootori shouted desperately through the intercom.

“It’s okay Choutarou! Now we can return them safely to the children ward!”

Shishido turned towards the camera and gave Ootori a thumbs up.

“SHISHIDO, THAT ONE IS BLEEDING!”

“No one ever died from a little bit of blood loss, that’s what my mom used to say!”

“HE HAS LEUKEMIA!”

“I have no idea what that means Choutarou, but he will be fine!”

Ootori wept. Shishido was trying his best to remove the children that got stuck in the ceiling. Jirou was probably still in pile#2. Kite looked on at the chaos that was pile#4, half awake, chewing on the legs of some of his patients. Not that he minded it, if it motivated them to crawl faster, their rehabilitation went better than expected.

He dialed a number.

“It's Hiyoshi. Ootori is that you?”

“Ye-yeah, how did you know?”

“I can recognize your snivelling from over a mile away. What is it, someone else got poo on the babies’ faces again?”

“Sorry, Hiyoshi, get to the cafeteria and take garbage sacks with you.”

Ootori put the phone down. Hiyoshi the trash man was quite an enigmatic figure. The hospital was overstaffed with doctors, so it finally came down to it that one of them would have to upgrade to “trash man” position. Fudoumine sacrificed themselves for this noble cause. Surprisingly, Hiyoshi also answered that call, against all expectations.

* * *

 

A crash boomed throughout the speakers of Ootori’s room. Quickly shaken awake from his self-pity, he flipped through the screens, trying to find the source. It didn’t take long, as the destruction was very apparent.

“MUKAHI, WHAT HAPPENED!?”, yelled Ootori over the intercom. 

“Ah, Ootori, you can hear me right? Surprised that didn’t destroy the microphone and the camera.”

The toilet wasn’t that big, but it sure looked pretty weird, especially with patient beneath it. Mukahi stood nonchalantly next to him, with a large hammer in both of his tiny hands. Debris fell from the ceiling, and when Ootori switched to the camera from the room above, he saw a gaping hole in Dr. Yuushi’s office. Mukahi’s voice pulled him back to his sad reality.

“Like, this dude didn’t want to use the bucket.”

Silence. Mukahi didn’t look ashamed of his actions.

* * *

 

The aftermath was much more simple. Because of Hiyoshi and Shishido’s joint effort, they somehow managed to scrape most of the children’s residue of the wall, requesting the large broom of a certain janitor who had suddenly gone missing. Dr. Yuushi’s office was temporarily moved towards Dr. Saeki’s, much to the joy of many old ladies. Koishikawa got an epilepsy episode and was temporarily removed from duty, while Ibu had to be reinstated as a receptionist. Thanks to Dr. Kite’s rehabilitation, he was able to crawl around quite fast.

Jirou was still missing, somewhere lost in the piles, with Dr. Chitose having caught the Jirus as well. Ootori decided that he would request the exterminator’s services again later, if the time was dire. 


	4. The janitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the hospital's second lowest rank! (You can't go lower than Sengoku after all!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this thing from last year...

“Bane!! Look, I found some brooms we can use for the crutches!”

Aoi joyously ran towards the man, who was busy taping two tables together by their legs. It was meant to become a very comfortable bed.

“Oh, isn’t that good! Where did you get them?”

“Tachibana told me I could use them to dust the rooms, but I’ll bet he’ll be super happy when he sees what we can make with them!”, the boy replied.

“Good work Kentarou!”

Aoi, Bane, and in addition Itsuki, Kisarazu and Shudo were the maintainers of the hospital. Ojii, the master carpenter, was also the one who provided most of the equipment of the hospital, or at least the non-electronic/steel equipment. Atobe implanted him in the geriatric ward, and he frequently got mistaken as a patient, but it never amounted to more than a day of isolation cell if he got caught with dangerous tools like screwdrivers. Saeki, the caretaker of the elderly was sometimes quick to clear up the misunderstanding to the good natured nurse Mukahi.

* * *

 

Tachibana was the head of the janitors, but had no real position of power, as his subordinates Tetsu and Sakurai were usually seen frequenting Kamio’s minivan. With Shinji being upgraded to reception desk worker, he busied himself as a manager of sorts, seeing as to where what equipment went and general safety procedures. Needless to say, he had a lot of work.

Tachibana made his usual rounds. Somehow, nothing had gone wrong yet. He felt like his shift could end early, so he could go home and make dinner for his sister.

Suddenly, Sanada called out to him.

“Tachibana, where is package #313? It hasn’t been delivered yet by any of your boys.”

“Ahh, Dr. Sanada. Which contents were those supposed to be...” Tachibana replied while flipping through his list.

“They were custom made diamond shaved scalpels. They were due to yesterday, but the shipment hasn’t been delivered yet.”

Tachibana hummed. “I’m afraid I have no details on any shipments containing diamond shaved scalpels. If anything, package #313 has hairbands and accessories.”

“Are you telling me that I’m remembering my own purchases wrong?” Sanada said.

“Perhaps.”

With a grunt, Sanada slammed the door of his office and returned to finish his business. He got scolded by his father because of the loss of his stone, and was in a sore mood all day.

“Tachibana, I just overheard you talking, but has package #313 arrived?”

A long haired young man swiftly strode into Tachibana’s view.

“They should have arrived this morning. I think Kamio might have them.”

“Okay, thanks,” Kisarazu said as he slipped back into the night.

What a good natured fellow that Kisarazu was. Even during breaks he mostly kept to himself, with that strange laugh of him. Sometimes, Tachibana swore that he could hear two of them, but Kamio and Shinji never noticed. He was getting old.

“Kisarazu, wait. Could you please check if there were any diamond scalpels in the shipments?” Tachibana asked him. Kisarazu peeked out of his dark spot and affirmed it.

“Diamond...knives?”

“Small diamond knives, yes.”

“I’ll see to it...kusukusukusu,” Kisarazu said as he crawled back.

He really had a funny way of laughing. Now, where did the brooms disappear to...

* * *

 

“No, Konjiki, dude you don’t understand me, like, this will make our work so much easier.”

A young surgeon was explaining his grand ideas about a new kind of method that would make certain  complications that Dr. Konjiki treated, a lot easier to handle.

“Kai-chan, you’re cute and all-“, Konjiki slapped the hat of his head, “but this is not how a woman’s body works.”

“Are you doubting my expertise? Man, I went through med school for this kind of treatment?”

Kai huffed and left the room rather upset. Konjiki ran his hand through his buzzcut and wondered how Kai managed to have such a wealthy bush of hair while his was so awfully short. His idea was interesting, but he frankly didn’t feel well treating the more female patients of the hospital like that. They were more prone to screaming after all.

Kai dragged himself to the cafeteria. The servers there were more outgoing and open to ideas and while they didn’t have any medical expertise, they could at least accompany him for a bit. There was a strange lack of furniture in the cafeteria, but the floor never hurt anybody who didn’t jump from the seventh story of the building. Involuntarily of course, Tenihopi didn’t promote suicide. Kai sat down and pulled the lunch out of his lab pockets. As soon as he wanted to chomp down on it, a redhaired kid snatched it away and downed it in one gulp.

“Hey, what are you doing!” Kai yelled. Kintarou was looking at him with wide eyes, and the mayonnaise still dripping from his mouth.

“KAI, I HEARD FROM KOHARU THAT YOU DIDN’T GET PERMISSION TO DO THE SPECIAL SURGERY THINGY!?? I THINK I CAN HELP YOU!”

Oh yeah, that was right. While Dr. Konjiki regulated the gynaecology ward, Tooyama regulated the emergency department and he was floating in between. Now his super cool new surgery technique wasn’t that well received by Konjiki, but it would definitely be useful for the emergency department.

“So you mean... I can perform this technique under your surveillance?”

“YEAH, IF I LIKE IT YEAH!”,Kinchan cheered.

Kai was happy. He started explaining the procedure.

“So like, there are a lot of women that come here to get the tiny little humans right. Some of them are even smaller, so they’re weak, and the women don’t want them, which results in them going to the cafeteria, probably.”

Kintarou looked on with a blank expression on his face.

“And removing those little babies is very expensive and takes a while and creates a mess, so I was thinking, what if they don’t come out? We just-“ Kai made circumductional moves with his hands “-sew that up right there! No complications!”

Kintarou didn’t seem the slightest interested.

“What do you think?”

“I DON’T KNOW THAT SOUNDS PRETTY BORING! WHAT IF THE TINY HUMAN KEEPS GROWING?” THEN THEY WOULD EXPLODE AND GORILLA MAN ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT EXPLODING IS VERY BAD!”

“Oh shit, that’s true,” Kai sunk in a pensive thought.

“I THINK I HAVE A BETTER OPTION! I HAVE A CHAINSAW... AND YOU HAVE A VACUUM DON’T YOU?”

Suddenly all the stars aligned inside Kai’s bright head. It was true that Kai’s favourite mode of operandi involved his vacuum, just like Kintarou’s involved chainsaws.

“You mean...Like...”

“YEAH EXACTLY LIKE THAT!”

“Kintarou, I knew we would make a great combination.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
